Summary: I will be leaving for London tomorrow and here's why I'm freaked out.
What scares me about going to another country is definitely not the culture (maybe if I was going to someplace exotic like Israel, where my colleague Sean is, I would feel differently). It's more just the typical things that have scared me about going ANYWHERE, from my recent summer in Columbus to my stint last year in western New York. The difference is, I have no out in another country the way I (kind of) did within the driving radius of my other adventures.
So needless to say, I'm a little more high-strung than usual--and usual is pretty high-strung.
Yesterday at my last meal with my whole family I got choked up and kind of lost my cool with at all of them, because they kept talking about topics I don't want to go over anymore--namely, money (the exchange rate is pretty much $2 per pound). "You're paying $1,200 for a flat and you have a roommate??" my brother said. "You're getting paid in pounds, right?" my sister-in-law asked followed by a group-wide gasp when I said no.
I am tired of explaining to everyone that this is not a tea party. I'm going for work with some help from a scholarship I received and a stipend in American dollars from the company I'm interning for. I am not getting picked up by a tour group at the airport. I do not have friends waiting for me in a wine bar. This is not a study abroad program. (I'm not saying I'm way more badass than kids who studied abroad, but that's exactly what I'm saying.)
Obviously I'm just explaining this to myself, because actually, most people think it's pretty sweet that I'm going over there but I still feel crazy at times. I had a random opportunity that almost made me turn back recently, and I'm glad for the friends that told me that no job in Ohio, no matter how beloved, is worth turning down this adventure. It's just easy to want out when you are amid the stress of planning. But I would've resented myself in life if I didn't do something like this.
I leave tomorrow, by the way, first by flying into Atlanta and then to London, where my ship will dock and spit me out into the big city wilderness. I just want to get over there and start working so I can stop worrying and explaining what the heck I'm doing to everyone.
To return to my original thought: The common thread I've noticed about every place I've gone, there is always something that ends up not sitting well. Like when I showed up in Chautuaqua, New York, I discovered a disgusting cellar with five roommates plus billions of eight-legged friends would be my abode. Nothing ever seems perfect. But then in the end it always seems worthwile, so I just have to be prepared for the worst in a way.
As I said goodbye last night, my brother randomly asked me if I was visiting Keats' grave. Kind of random thought when you think of all the castles and countrysides and museums I must see, but it kind of stuck with me. That's why I'm going to England. To visit John Keats' freakin' grave at Poets' Corner.
I am listening to: Kenny Chesney, "Scare Me"
I heard him on the radio yesterday saying how it's good to be scared about something. Thanks, Kenny.
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2 comments:
Christopher here, your soon-to-be colleague. What you're feeling is quite normal; I went through it, too. And, like you, I knew if I opted for the more secure job offer in Ohio I would regret it far down the line -- no matter how much I would love or hate it in London. In the end this has turned out to be a fantastic experience for me; hell, I got a full-time job out of it and it's been my meal ticket to travel the world. Maybe it will be equally as great for you, and maybe it will suck ass. I don't know. But either way you will come out a better, changed, different person, more grown up, more worldly, and at the very least you won't be able to kick yourself in the ass 20 years down the line for passing up that stint in London. You will do fine. I'll see you Saturday.
That was pretty much the best thing I could've heard right now! You rock my socks, thank you.
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