Journalistic Confessions: Part II

I can’t sleep and it’s job problems.

You were wondering when I was going to tell-all about this, weren’t you?

Well the conflict about finding the right journalism job is settling vs. reaching and cost vs. benefit. You have to weigh the costs and benefits and divide it by your dreams. No job will be a perfect score at the beginning of your career, and I don’t want to hear about the exceptions to that rule. For me the job options are obvious:

1. General reporting in Podunk, Ohio
2. Trade magazine
3. Starving editorial assistant job in NYC
4. Features reporting at a mediocre weekly somewhere

(We dare not speak of the still-unobtainable Ultimate Job, but we can call that U, and for me it is writing news features and social commentary for a news magazine or large newspaper.)

You can only hope that one of these ends up having a stand-out location or salary (or maybe U potential?) to make it the perfect first job. I have already eliminated option A, because it will never fit into either aforementioned categories. Option C was never really my planned route, unlike other magazine-bent journalists. In all honesty, last year I decided my first job would be in B or D, and that’s where my eyes navigate on journalismjobs.com.

As it turns out, B is in my reach at this VERY SECOND. Right now I am trying to decide whether to stay in London or not for a job with no benefits that could or could not end up as a permanent gig. I was really struggling the whole time I’ve been here about whether to stay in London longer or to go back to ol’ Ohio and see what I could find. Then I took it as a sign this week when my current boss mentioned job opportunities in the company if I were willing to return after Christmas, and my former boss at a good D rejected my application for a position they had open. So with this week’s victories and loss still lingering, I am completely devoid of what to do. Should I stay on at Global Custodian and see what happens? Should I pass, but then go home and just end up at another B in a more boring location? Should I hold out for another good D and maybe never wear a business suit again? Should I finally grow some balls and find a C?

See, if my boss told me “you can go to New York and start work” I would be thrilled; I guess because my American phone service will be kicking back on soon and I can use it there. But he needs me in London. The reality is I can’t stay in London for that long anyway because of my visa expiration in March, but I’m wondering why I don’t just go back -- it’s not that long, so what’s the big deal? Maybe there will be a job somewhere following the London stint, or maybe not.

But then when my brain remembers the crazy thing it is telling itself to do by going back to London, it freaks out and remembers packing to go over oceans and losing glasses at airports and getting sick without having a doctor and my whole mind breaks down.

And then, like a vicious cycle, it goes back to: It’s a couple more months in an amazing city -- what is the big deal?

The big deal? I don’t even know if the company will pay for my plane ticket or pay me more to make up for taxes, so basically if I can even afford to eat in London.

And then I remember that it’s London, one of the coolest cities in the world.
And then I remember that it’s London, one of the farthest cities in the world from my family and the man I love. Well, not really, but it’s pretty damn far.

And then I just shut down and when my boss asked me today over a cup of tea if I had thought more about staying, I didn’t know what to say.

Nice, Ellie. Real smooth.

And then I heard a few hours later that I had been officially rejected from the old job -- which was a wonderful D location I had to tear myself away from to come to this B in the first place. But I take that as a sign. It ain’t me babe, D said.

But if I stay in finance will I ever leave (find my U)? Will I ever get to write for Bitch magazine or The New York Times?

I don’t know.

But I’m curious.

And crazy.